Jul 2005

Wow! people ARE actually reading this!!! how heart-warming your responses are too, thanks so much! nice to know that there are really people out in the amorphous blob of internet world

Yesterday i began researching different travel programs...i am finding it rather frustrating and unfulfilling though, any suggestions of some good volunteer/work abroad programs would be swell. i know ther are some scattered in amongst others questions and answers, but they really are scatterd!

What a funny species we are part of. I have been introduced to the bizarre ways of the 20-yr old BOY at work. i never would have believed that this demographic is the worst source of gossip if i had been told. but now, having worked with around 50 of them for the past 9 months, i have been introduced to this unlovely fact. my mind is blown away by the fact that they find my life intriguing enough to twist and spread around amongst co-workers (other 20yr old boys...and i say boys intentionally here).

Live and learn i guess. the worst part is that most of them are what i would consider friends...

Just increases my desire to get the hell out of this country and society, into one where i have an excuse to not understand the actions of others...different language and culture.

I really have a hard time understanding why there is so much drama in my life when all i want is complete and utter simplicity.

i would love to hear some stories of human kindness, if anyone is willing to share...clear my mind of how much i hate my species right now.

Hmmmm...yesterday, I suffered an epiphany. I say suffered due to the fact that it was one of those ground-breaking realizations where you figure out that you have been deluding yourself. So I realized that I have become...content with life, and resigned to my position in life. Content sn't the right word, but i can't think of a better one...that resignation you have when you have given up on your dreams in order to do what you "should" be doing. The misleading thing is that I am not depressed, I enjoy my job, I have great friends, I have enough money...I am at that plateau where I am not moving backwards by any means, but I am really not moving forward at all either.
All of this was triggered by a conversation over dinner with my closest friend in which she a little timidly told me how she is worried about me. She seems to be the only one in my life that saw through my mask, even I didn't.
And so now I have begun thinking...what do I really want to do? And what is stopping me from doing that or those things?
The answer is travel and work in another country, one so foreign I don't know language, have to learn about customs...as for what is stopping me? Fear. fear of lack of $, fear that i am doing the wrong thing, fear that i won't succeed...fear that it will change me too much.
So, after coming to this realization, I figure i must act because i have always disdained to let fear hold me back from doing something I want to...this may not be easy though, and that scares me too. Because the place I want to go first and most is India...and a young white girl in India...an intimidating idea.

Hi there! welcome to my new blog. how spiffy is this!!!! i am new with these things, had another one but can't remember how to get to it!!!
don't have much to say today, just wanted to welcome any and all here!

later,
-me!